Awkward Roommate Moments

1. Someone heads toward the bathroom you just fouled. “Excuse me, ahem, sorry, don’t go in there. You really have to pee? Well, I just don’t recommend it. Really. Please.”

2. “Are these your panties I found on the bathroom floor?”

3. Brother: “You bought me underwear for my birthday?”  Sister: “Yeah, your undies have enormous holes in them. Like right in the balls area.”

4. Your nose crinkles in horror. Did someone fart? Or was that a baby poop?! Ugh.

5. “What is that… smell? Oh. You made dinner. For everyone? Oh, that’s cool. I, uh, um thanks but I just ate.”  You both look down at your stomach when it growls loudly and suspiciously.

6. To brother: “Hey, get my bra off your head.”

7. “No, I wasn’t just making faces at myself and taking selfies in the mirror for the past ten minutes.”

8. The door opens suddenly. Your arms and hands clap over your body parts in horror as you huddle uncomfortably over the toilet. “I’m in here!” You scream out as someone yells back, “Oh my god, lock the door next time!”

9. “Mom! Mom, where are you? Can I have a snack?”  You shout back through the door, “Ask me when I get out of here!” The child’s voice is insistent.  “No, Mom, I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?” Your own voice becomes shrill and exasperated. “No, I’m using the bathroom, can’t you give me a few minutes? And thanks, by the way. Now everyone knows!”

10. That moment a fart slips in front of someone. Oh my.

Tale of the Terrible Tooth Fairy

***Disclaimer – Not Suitable for Children***

My hand swooped blindly under the closest pillow. Nothing. I slowly slid my fingers around the sheets. Still nothing. I grimaced and climbed down from the edge of the bunk bed.  Sneaking around the perimeter, I searched the next pillow in my reach.  A hard iPad case greeted me.  Fine.  I hoisted myself up to perch on the bottom bed and grasped the top rails carefully, using my teeth to keep track of the dollar bills. Eww. Yeah, that’s gross.

I closed my eyes in the dark and reached farther.  Warm skin. Oops.  My bare feet moved across the bottom rail as the bed creaked with my weight. I reached farther, elbow scraping through the top and middle slats. Stuffed animal arm. That’s not it. I stretched with my ear against the rails and was rewarded with a tiny tooth fairy pillow.  Score!  I slid it out from under the pillow with excitement.

Clink. Clink-clink-clink-CLUNK-clink.

OMG. I lost the tooth.

The tooth must have fallen out of the tiny pillow, bounced around the desk next to the bed, and against the wall.  I would never find it in the dark. I folded the money into the pocket of the pillow and shook my head as I slid it under my daughter’s head.

A hand grabbed onto my calf and I twitched in shock, suspended at the edge of the bunk bed.  “Mom, what are you doing?” My oldest daughter said, as she held onto me.

I shook my leg free. “Nothing. Shhhh.”

My shoulders hunched in shame at my epic failure as I failed to exit like a ninja. The door clattered loudly as I continued my retreat. I hope I remember to find that tooth before they do.