Not Accepting Visitors

Dear Diary,

I am done having kids, so why can’t I be done having my monthly visitor? 

She said with a pout.

That is all.

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Toe Attack

The chair leg leaped into my path and ripped off my little pinky toe. I awkwardly hopped on one foot, frantically dragging my tortured limb behind me. My fingers slapped onto the counter and I  sucked in air between clenched teeth.

Eventually, I dared to peek at my missing toe.

Huh.  Still there. Not purple or hanging by a thread. Definitely not bleeding. I could have sworn…

I looked back curiously at the toddler chair sitting innocently in it’s usual spot.

The pain of stubbing my toe finally began to subside as I shook my head. I have got to stop fighting with the furniture.

Parent Problems

1. Instead of sitting back in contentment after a beer, you feel satisfaction after finding time to poop. 

2. In the battle between sleep and a beer, sleep always wins.

3. You can’t think of a single hobby unrelated to your kids.

4. You automatically sing a long to Five Little Monkeys with great enthusiasm for at least a minute before you realize none of the kids are in the car.

5. While standing in line at the grocery market, you cradle bread close to your chest and sway your body back and forth to keep it calm.

6. You leave adults standing there with half finished sentences as you abruptly run into the next room to handle a kid fight… and forget to return.

7. Watching anything rated higher than PG-13 makes you feel naughty.  You constantly glance around to see if the kids might catch you watching swear words, violence.. or worse…

8. Your potty mouth is a sugar mouth around other adults. “Fudge it. Fudge-meister. Fudge Noodles.”

9. You eat on plastic kid plates, even when they are at school.

10. Laundry is a daily torturous event.

Mom’s Don’t Poop

I am pretty sure I haven’t had a real poop in ages.  I mean, how many parents can really find time to poop in peace?

At bedtime, it can take a gazillion years for them to fall asleep. When they finally shut their darling little eyeballs, I barely function well enough to brush my teeth. So, how could I possibly make it to the bathroom and coax my body to perform on demand? Not me!

You really have to go when your body is ready. Miss that urge and POOF! It will return again the absolute worst time.  Standing in the grocery store, having checked off item number three out of twenty. Or driving your kids to practice, without hope of a decent private bathroom for HOURS. Worse, getting caught by another parent when a super strong wave hits:  “***poop now-poop NOW – POOP NOWWWWW***.”

I don’t know what happens to anyone else, but I feel my face flush.  Not a toilet flush – my face flushes.

My bodily functions are a private matter.  But sometimes, I share it with my kids. And they just happen to be young and unaware of the word ‘discretion.’   “Oh, well my mom said she has to poop so we can’t stay.”

Yeah.  That happens.