Stupid Things I Do

  1. Stay up ridiculously late just because my kids went to sleep and I can because I am an adult, darn it!
  2. Auto-answer kids when I am distracted and have to rescind my permission.
  3. Tell other people’s kids their brains will leak out of their ears if they keep doing whatever naughty thing they were doing.
  4. Tell my kids they cannot have candy because I am secretly saving it for myself to eat after they go to bed.
  5. Keep the kids current with all the office gossip.
  6. Wait 10 minutes in the drive through line at McDonalds to get one large coke to go with a meal from some place else. 
  7. Stand 2 feet in front of the TV with the remote control in my hand for 20 minutes. No, wait-just five more minutes. Uh, no… umm it’s almost over. I’ll turn it off and do my chores after that. 
  8. Forget laundry in the washer for 2 days. Ugh, so stink. 
  9. Insert a contact in my eye on top of another contact.
  10. Stare at my children blankly as I forget what I was saying … mid-sentence.
  11. Bang my head on the car door frame 4 times in one day while reaching in to get my kid and out five hundred thousand things out.
  12. Forget my kid sitting on the toilet.
  13. Forget to search for the last kid in Hide ‘n Seek.
  14. Fart right before someone comes in the room.
  15. Trip when I walk past any group of people.

The Rumbling

Grrrroooowwwl. 

My eyes flicked toward my coworker in the cubicle to my right.  I mentally forced myself to not turn and look straight at his belly.  

It was the embarrassing tummy grumble we all experience whenever it is dead quiet in a room full of non-family members. I insist on pretending I do not hear tummy growls.

He stood up and walked away. I went back to work, quickly forgetting him… and his awkward belly music.

Immersed in my lively data entry, I heard a voice and then noticed his head turned in my direction.  He asked quietly, “What did you eat for lunch?”

My face twisted. “Nothing. I think I should punish myself since I forgot my lunch at home again. What did you eat?”

“Oh, I didn’t eat lunch. My stomach is bothering me. Could it be the milk? My stomach feels…” he lowered his voice to just below a whisper. “Shitty,” he mouthed. “All morning since I had cereal and milk. Going to the bathroom.” He rubbed his stomach soothingly for emphasis.

I looked at him thoughtfully. “Did you check the expiration date on the milk?”

“No, I bought it from the cafe downstairs.” He continued when my puzzled look remained frozen, “They pour milk into the bowl for you.”

“I see. So it is possible they left the milk out for too long. Yeah, you could be feeling yucky from the milk.” 

Since he looked a little doubtful, I sought to reassure him that it was entirely possible. “Places give out expired or bad milk all the time. I cannot tell you how many times kid meals come with expired milk. It depends on the person checking the inventory and it often goes unnoticed.”

My coworker nodded. “Yeah. I am not going back for cereal and milk from there for a long time! Sorry that was so TMI.”

I scoffed. “Nothing is TMI. I am a MOM.” 

Oh, yes, I can do a cartwheel…

Left alone with my 5 year old, I was suddenly invincible. Oh yes, I can do a cartwheel. You betcha. Teach you? No problem.

5 minutes later, I executed a wobbly cartwheel. Just afraid of hitting the ceiling, of course. We practiced and practiced and I had a marvelous idea. Somersault! Even easier!

I bent my head toward my belly, that’s the rule. Pushed off with my hind feet and rolled onto my head. Slid onto my shoulder and managed not to grimace. Somersault! I sat up and rubbed my arm. Ouch?  I watched my kid roll over with ease. Show off.

As it always does, the pain waited a while before showing up. Now I wince every time I reach out for anything with my left arm.  I sure seem to use that arm a lot more than I thought.  Was it the cartwheel? The somersault? At least no one knows I hurt myself doing cartwheels and somersaults.

Yet another secret for supermom.