Elbow Grease

My mom-van finally glistened in the growing darkness. I dropped the dirty blue cloth into my washing supplies and put one hand on my hip with pride. Evening is the only time I am free long enough to clean my vehicle. 

My brother pulled up in the driveway at that exact moment. He gave me the usual cursory glance and informed me that I should be doing waterless car washes.  

This was my moment to shine. “I just did!” I called out to make sure he heard my accomplishment. 

His only reaction was a side glance as he walked into the house. 

I huffed to myself. “Pfffft. Whatever.” 

He came back out a few minutes later and mumbled, “What are you using, anyway?”   

Pushing the bottle into his hand, I took a step back and watched him read it carefully. 

“This isn’t a waterless car wash,” he stated grimly. “It’s a detail spray.  What you use after your car is clean.”  

A look of horror froze onto my face. No way. No no no.  I snatched the bottle from him and stared at the words written plainly across the top: “Spray Detail.”

Oh. My. Goodness.  Can I please just crawl into the heap of unfolded laundry on my bed and go to sleep? You know what? I still don’t even understand Spray Detail.  What I DO know is that I let my kids starve so I could detail my dirty mom-van. All for nothing. Pffffft.

Awkward Roommate Moments

1. Someone heads toward the bathroom you just fouled. “Excuse me, ahem, sorry, don’t go in there. You really have to pee? Well, I just don’t recommend it. Really. Please.”

2. “Are these your panties I found on the bathroom floor?”

3. Brother: “You bought me underwear for my birthday?”  Sister: “Yeah, your undies have enormous holes in them. Like right in the balls area.”

4. Your nose crinkles in horror. Did someone fart? Or was that a baby poop?! Ugh.

5. “What is that… smell? Oh. You made dinner. For everyone? Oh, that’s cool. I, uh, um thanks but I just ate.”  You both look down at your stomach when it growls loudly and suspiciously.

6. To brother: “Hey, get my bra off your head.”

7. “No, I wasn’t just making faces at myself and taking selfies in the mirror for the past ten minutes.”

8. The door opens suddenly. Your arms and hands clap over your body parts in horror as you huddle uncomfortably over the toilet. “I’m in here!” You scream out as someone yells back, “Oh my god, lock the door next time!”

9. “Mom! Mom, where are you? Can I have a snack?”  You shout back through the door, “Ask me when I get out of here!” The child’s voice is insistent.  “No, Mom, I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?” Your own voice becomes shrill and exasperated. “No, I’m using the bathroom, can’t you give me a few minutes? And thanks, by the way. Now everyone knows!”

10. That moment a fart slips in front of someone. Oh my.

Look at My Butt

I peered at the bright computer screen. Hmm.  I cocked my head to the side as I studied the details of my report. Finally, I ripped my gaze from my work and glanced toward the doorway. And did a double-take.

“AHHHHHHH!” I clamped my hand over my mouth; my chest struggled to breath. I stared into my brother’s face, mere inches from my own. “What are you d o i n g?” I gasped out. It felt exactly like a reenactment of Lydia’s mom presenting her sculpture of Beetlejuice to her husband in the den.

“Can you check me for Pin Worms?” He angled his butt toward me. 

“Hell no!”

“Come on.  It has to be at night.  Just use the flashlight on your phone.”

I couldn’t suppress my laughter any longer. “No, I’m not looking at your butt hole!” I stationed my head carefully away from him, in case he tried to pull his pants down.  I wasn’t certain of his boundaries.

“It will just take a few seconds. I’m worried about Pin Worms.” His voice was smooth and patient in his attempt to persuade me.

“NO.”

“Come on.  A quick look.”

“Go ask mom to look at your butt hole!”

“No, I can’t wake her up to look at my butt.” He paused thoughtfully. “Would it help if I just laid down on my side?”

I huffed, “No! Stop, I’m never in my life going to look at your butt hole.”

“But, I shaved it.  There’s no hair.”

I closed my eyes to regain composure. I was grinning, but truly terrified. “Is your butt itchy?”

He gave me an exasperated look.  “I don’t KNOW. Ever since you told me there’s Pin Worms going around, I feel like my butt is itchy.”

Unavoidable giggles escaped me.  Who doesn’t laugh at an itchy butt? “Give it up, I’m not looking at the folds of your butt hole. Ever.”

He squinted at me with irritation as he finally walked away. I swear I will die if he ever pulls his cheeks apart for me to investigate. Really.