Anxiety and OCD: Am I normal?

I’m starting to think I’m not normal. What the heck is normal, anyway? Maybe no one is normal.

I perused countless articles about anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tonight. How many of us assumed someone was OCD because they enjoyed organized pens and alphabetized? Or judged them because they seem like germaphobes? I can be messy. I can be in constant disarray. I’ll eat all my kids leftover food. We share drinks because it’s cheaper. I can’t have OCD… right?

Someone at work told me “you must be OCD” because I sanitized my desk and equipment every morning, BEFORE COVID EVER HAPPENED. Well… guess what, I hate getting sick. When I catch a cold, I’m stuck in bed. I lose my voice and it becomes bronchitis overnight every time. I don’t have time to be sick. Three kids depend on me. Does that mean I have OCD? Nah. We’re in a pandemic. Everyone is required to sanitize their desks now.

I stepped backwards when people came close to me to have a conversation. BEFORE COVID. No thanks, I don’t need to breathe in your breath or germs. And by the way, you don’t need to smell my coffee breath because I rely heavily on coffee to make it through my single-working-mom days. Does that mean I have OCD? Nah. We’re in a pandemic. Everyone is required to stay 6 feet apart now.

The polite way to meet someone was to shake their hand. What did they touch before they reached out towards me like an infected zombie? My skin would crawl with the potential germs transferred to my skin during the brief contact until I could wash my hands. No sink readily available? No problem. I would douse my hands in sanitizer. My skin became dry, red and flaky. Does that mean I have OCD? Nah. We’re in a pandemic. Everyone in the world was taught how to wash their hands properly this year and told to stop shaking hands.

Okay, let’s get serious now. OCD obsessions are uncontrollable repeated thoughts, images or impulses. As time went by, I went from cleaning my desk a little bit… and progressed to wiping down the keyboard, mouse, monitor, phone, the chair handles, the seat, everything I could think of. I started cleaning the dividers between the cubicles. Sometimes I’d make my way onto someone else’s desk when they left for the day. I was the only person in the office cleaning my own workstation. I got sick the same amount as other people (guess it was in the air) so this was really just an extra, time-consuming ritual that became more elaborate over time. Just as described in people with OCD.

Maybe I don’t have it. It’s just… well, I sure have a lot of the symptoms. I always thought OCD was pretty much excessive checking or nonsensical routines.

I recently described some overwhelming feelings to a family member. They go to therapy a lot and told me it sounds like OCD. I really never thought I could have OCD. Whenever I go to therapy, they ask me why I came for therapy. I tend to ask how I can help my family, and before I can blink, time is up. We do talk about my sleep habits and how I need to exercise to deal with the heavy stress of my daily life. Then it pivots back to my children and family members.

So… yeah. Maybe I have OCD. I can’t diagnose myself. How many symptoms do I need to check off for a diagnosis? I worry about being contaminated or sharing my germs with others. When I cook a meal, I probably wash my hands at least 15 times. I can’t stop my mind from thinking about situations that happen or might happen.

I constantly feel guilty that I am not doing a good enough job as a parent and wonder how to do everything that needs to be done. My children could be suffering from disorders and I may not have noticed because I think their behaviors are normal or just a phase. If I don’t recognize normal, how can I recognize not normal and help myself and my kids? Are we normal?