Utter Exhaustion and Anxiety at Bedtime

I had a hard time tonight.

First I failed. I begged my dear daughter to go to sleep so she can wake up early for school and told her I am exhausted and please just go to sleep. She is 10. I whined about have so many chores to do after she falls asleep, and no I couldn’t read to her because  exhaustion was preventing my eyes from focusing on the words and making sense of them.

I failed because I complained when I should have just been soothing which always works better and faster. She has anxiety attacks at night when she gets in bed. I don’t think they are fits and excuses not to go to sleep. She wants me to lay with her to fall asleep… and laying down makes me sleepy when I haven’t slept much.

She was brilliant and told me I wasn’t helping calm her down to sleep by telling her i was tired and she was absolutely right. I sobbed silently a few times in the dark, sheer fatigue getting me down, and felt the utter pains of complete exhaustion caused by pushing myself beyond limits.

I recalled her sweet personality and how she cannot control her anxiety. I painfully wrenched my eyes open and stroked her little cheek and saw her gently smiling face staring at me in the darkness.

I found my second wind. Being a mom requires super strength in the “sleep is for the weak” department. I apologized for acting grumpy. Trusting me, she immediately shared her idea for a sleep machine that you go inside and it helps you fall asleep in less than five minutes. My heart twisted uncomfortably. My poor child invented a sleep machine because I complained. Oh, the guilt I felt! 💔 Then she added that this machine will also take away all of the person’s anxiety. Aww, my poor baby. I piped up with my own wish: it helps you feel completely rested when you wake up.

Smoothing her hair, I sang her “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. I stroked her back and sang “Because You Loved Me” by Celine Dion and she was asleep within a few minutes. Go figure.